Thoughts and Prayers

Another tragedy appears. Maybe it’s personal. Maybe it’s just a national tragedy in the news. People of various levels of religiosity respond with a common refrain:

Sending out thoughts and prayers… Our thoughts and prayers are with you…

Have you done this? What does it even mean?

For some it is a mindless reflexive platitude. Bad situation — I don’t know what to do, but want to do something — Message sent — I feel better and move on with my life.

If you are a ‘thoughts and prayers’ practitioner, I hope this isn’t the gist of what you’re doing when you write that message, but even if it isn’t you, there is some truth to this pattern.

Not knowing what to do in a crisis or a painful situation is a common human trait. Unless you are a professional counselor, pastor or chaplain, you probably have only had limited reps with providing comfort for those who are suffering.

This lack of experience is one of the main reasons the most common response is one of two paths in dealing with another’s pain.

1. Saying something, but not necessarily anything helpful
2. Fleeing the situation and hiding out until it’s over

Admit it, you’ve probably been in a situation where someone was dealing with trauma or emotional pain and you’ve done exactly one of these responses. They are tools in a limited tool box. You’ve heard the expression that if all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. This is the problem. We don’t know what to do, so we end up doing nothing or something that isn’t helpful.

Of the two options, nothing is probably the better one, but I want to talk about some other alternatives. Your friends deserve better than these kinds of thoughts and prayers.

• First off, there’s nothing wrong with really having people in our thoughts. For example:
• When people say thoughts (i.e my thoughts are with you), it could be true, but what does that mean. Here are some examples
• “I was thinking of you today and wanted to know how you’re doing. Do you want to talk? I have time.”
• “I know all of this is really hard, but I can’t fully understand it. When you’re ready, I would like to try when you want to talk about it.”
• “I’m here for you if you need anything, anything at all”
• My mom was the queen of cards. I learned after my mom’s death that she sent a distant relative who was homebound a card every week for over 20 years. That lady’s daughter shared how much it meant to her. Know who you’re sending something to. Some will like cards, others a short audio or video message.
• So what about prayer? Are you a praying person, if so here are some general rules.
• Don’t ever say you’re going to pray for someone without doing it. That’s just rude.
• Instead of saying, “praying for you”, why not write out a short prayer for the person right then. Better yet, ask if you can call and pray with them. Most people will really appreciate it.
• Don’t camp on “everything is going to come out perfect prayers”. While it is fine to pray for healing or the resolution you want, the world is an awful place. People die, many times things don’t work out like we want. Regardless, God directs us to take our requests to Him (Phil. 4:6)
• Praying for comfort and peace is always appropriate.
• Continuing to pray for people as trials continue is encouraging to them. It lets them know they are not forgotten and not alone.
• Speaking of not being alone, when possible skip the social media post for direct interaction. A short call, a short visit or even a personal chat is better than just a comment on their post. We’re relational beings and we need human interaction. As mentioned above, many times everyone pulls back when there is a crisis. Don’t join that crowd, instead be the one who moves towards those who are hurting.
• When appropriate, offer tangible help
• A meal either brought in person or sent via something like Door Dash can be a blessing when people don’t have the time to think about such things.
• Offering to run errands or help watch children. It might even be appropriate to help do things around the house like laundry or cleaning.
• Some people would never ask for help for themselves, but as a close friend you could take the lead with organizing crowd-funding for a financial need or a mealtrain so many people who don’t know how to help can me mobilized in practical ways.
• Be mindful of the need for professional help. There are some situations where the real need is for someone more qualified to be brought in. People such as:
• Counselors
• Pastors
• Substance abuse counselors
• Maybe it’s a tragedy in your community and people you don’t know are impacted. There are helpful ways to respond and some that are less helpful. I dealt with that in an article a few years ago on Action, not Activism

There is so much more we can do than just sending our thoughts and prayers in a crisis. If you truly consider someone to be a friend. If it is someone you love, care enough to see the real needs of the situation and respond appropriately in a way that helps directly with the situation or lets them know that they are important to you.

Originally published at http://seeinggodclearly.com on June 22, 2023.